May 03, 2007
And now for something totally out of left field
I got "Lust in Translation: The Rules of Infidelity from Tokyo to Tennessee", by Pamela Druckerman, in the mail a few days ago and have been fascinated with it ever since. She chronicle stories of infidelity and also charts regional reactions to cheating. She writes that "adultery provokes more outrage in America than in almost any other country on record (Ireland and the Phillippines are the two exceptions)" She also notes that nearly all of the adulterers she interviewed in America talked to her as sort of a public service, wanting to share their experience to help others avoid doing what they have done. "Outside of America, no one said anything remotely like this."
I'm sort of proud of this, to be honest. I love that Americans see themselves as faithful people, even if we can't always live up to that vision.
Anyway, the book has got me thinking on the topic of infidelity and even though this is mostly a political blog, I thought I'd share my thoughts.
Remember that Seinfeld episode about "hand"? I see cheating as a power struggle. The person less interested in the relationship cheats and it's up to the other person to react. Too often, the person being cheated on will try to work things out, try to understand, and try to keep their mate. I think this is the absolutely wrong approach. While I have no problem with forgiving cheating, the person being cheated on must leave the cheater. It's all about hand. Being cheated on and staying gives you no hand. Being cheated on and leaving gives the cheater the opportunity to really win you back, to really try and make the relationship work. If they don't try, you have your answer and should move on anyway.
I have often heard that some people are cheaters, and that's that, they'll never change. Dawn Summers says that some people are meant to be cheated on, that is their lot in life, because they choose people who don't reciprocate their love. I disagree. I think cheating is a fix for people that crave excitement or newness. There are many people who don't have this kind of craving, they like the familiar, they like the routine. Problems arise when a routine-loving person hooks up with an excitement-loving person. Two routine people can work, two excitement people can work, but one and one is a disaster. I don't think it has anything to do with love, love is separate from that itch for the new. Most of the cheaters I've known, and I've known many, say that they love their mate. Most just need something on the side, to create excitement in their lives, to keep their relationship working so that they don't leave. I'm not saying it's right, obviously, but I also don't think it's a testament to their love. We love our parents, usually, but we still do things to hurt them. Our behavior is unrelated to our feeling.
What say you all? Ever cheat? Ever been cheated on? Agree/disagree with what I wrote?
Posted by Karol at May 3, 2007 04:10 PM | TrackBackTechnorati Tags: Infidelity Lust+in+Translation Cheating
I still say that if you love who you're with - that's excitement enough and you won't cheat. If you're cheating you don't love them, simple as that.
Posted by: Not Dawn Summers at May 3, 2007 05:20 PMI still say that if you love who you're with - that's excitement enough and you won't cheat. If you're cheating you don't love them, simple as that.
Love is not *exciting* after awhile. It might still be beautiful and comfortable and enriching in other ways, but exciting it is not.
It's just too simplistic to say that if you're cheating you're not in love. People cheat for many reasons, and very rarely because they're looking to fall in love with someone else.
And you should never forgive someone who cheats on. They've already told you what you're worth to them and if you go back to them, you'll only be worth less.
Posted by: Not Dawn Summers at May 3, 2007 05:27 PMIt's easy to say this when it's not actually happening to you. People forgive bad things all the time.
Posted by: Karol at May 3, 2007 05:33 PMAnd bad things will continue to happen to them. Didn't you see Holiday?
Posted by: Not Dawn Summers at May 3, 2007 05:38 PMI'd say that monogamy and cheating aren't the only options.
That said, I that if you commit to being completely exclusive and monogamous -- and you break that promise behind your partner's back -- it is morally wrong.
But I don't think there should be hard and fast rules, like "stand by your man" or "the person being cheated on must leave the cheater".
I don't think that cheating is in some special category all by itself or that all instances of cheating are of the same magnitude.
Posted by: Joe Grossberg at May 3, 2007 05:43 PMWhat say you all? Ever cheat? Ever been cheated on?
Wait a sec - when did Alarming News become Red Shoe Diaries???
Posted by: Alceste at May 3, 2007 05:51 PMWait a sec - when did Alarming News become Red Shoe Diaries???
Yes, yes, hence the "out of left field" title.
Posted by: Karol at May 3, 2007 05:52 PMMy last relationship ended this way, so I've got some personal experience. As much as it pains me to say so...
Dawn is absolutely right. There's cheaters and not-cheaters, and fogiving a cheater is just setting yourself up for another Charlie Brown run at Lucy's football.
Everybody would like to have sex with a different person from time to time - it's just that some of us control ourselves, and some of us don't.
People who cheat are basically just selfish people. They won't change, and staying with a cheater is putting yourself on the road to numbness and cynicism. It's not so much they don't want to love you, it's that they're incapable of loving anyone but themselves.
Posted by: Eric at May 3, 2007 06:01 PMBoth you and Dawn are probably right, just with different people.
I wonder if attitudes toward adultery correlate with birth rate.
Posted by: someone at May 3, 2007 06:35 PMAnd you should never forgive someone who cheats on. They've already told you what you're worth to them and if you go back to them, you'll only be worth less
Insert Hillary Clinton-as-worthless comment here.
Posted by: Mark at May 3, 2007 06:36 PMthere's an sicilian proverb - "The husband of a woman who strays is not altogether blameless." and this is from a culture that forgives cuckold murderers.
Posted by: vivi at May 3, 2007 08:10 PMVis your "hand/no hand" observation, I disagree. You always have a hand it's just how you play it. If a guy cheats on you, give him a big smile, and a hug around the neck and say, "Oh thanks honey, you just gave me a get-some-free-dick card!"
Posted by: Casca at May 4, 2007 11:00 AMWell, certainly the best way to find *out* if it's a "thrill" thing or an "I don't love you" thing is to leave, as Karol says.
Posted by: Anwyn at May 6, 2007 02:41 AM
